Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize