I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
