i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
