I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
