Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
