I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
