Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
