I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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