if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
