How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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