her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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