I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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