also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
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They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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