I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
