When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
