franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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