So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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