Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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