you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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