hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
