If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
the raccoons are back...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
