A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
