Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
