Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
