first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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