Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
