That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
