the condom got lost in my hair
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
