The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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