You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So many bounce houses so little time
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
