It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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