Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
