If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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