apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
