No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
