I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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