I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I checked into jail on foursquare
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
