You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
