I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
