So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
