I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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