she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
