i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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