Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
