Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
