I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
