Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
