I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
