I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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