Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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