NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
