I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
