You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
