Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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