god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Randomize
