watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
